I have been seeing an increasing number of school refusal cases in my clinical practice. I have yet to read any studies that provide empirically based findings as to why this challenging set of behaviors is on the rise, but I do have a few (unsubstantiated) theories:
1. Children and adolescents have access to too many enjoyable activities when they stay home. When I was a child, if I were to stay home from school, I would be bored out of my mind. Unless I could have quickly caught up with the story line of “General Hospital,” there would be nothing to distract me from the long, drawn-out day, where I was lacking in social interactions. Today, the average home has TVs hooked up to cable, computers, iPads and smartphones galore and gaming systems, etc. Who would not want to stay home and “play” with their gadgets, in contrast to engaging in the challenging curriculum and unchartered social relations of an average day at school? I am always shocked when I hear how the children and adolescents who are too “emotionally ill” to go to school are allowed to be home, having access to technology. IF you are too sick to go to school, then you need to be engaging in a behavior that as closely as possible approximates the behaviors one would engage in at school. As long as your kid does not go to a school for programmers and gamers, chances are their school day does not entail being locked into technology. So they should not be allowed to do that if they are engaging in school refusal behaviors.
2. Parents fail to see the dangerous waters their child is entering when they engage in school refusal behaviors. When your child is little and screaming about not wanting to go to the doctor, what do you do? Do you negotiate? Do you wait until they are ready to obtain their annual checkup? Going to school is as mission-critical to survival as obtaining appropriate medical care. I always tell parents who meet with me that we need to treat school refusal as a psychiatric emergency. Children not showing up for school is equivalent to adults not showing up for work and not caring for their families’ needs.
3. It is unclear why the child is refusing to attend school. In treating school refusal, it is critical to first conduct a functional analysis to determine why a child is refusing to go to school. School refusal is not a diagnosis; it is a symptom of a disorder. Is a child refusing to go to school because he is being bullied? Is she refusing to go to school because she is having panic attacks in the cafeteria? Is he refusing to go to school because he fears he will not make straight A’s and his rigid, perfectionistic thinking is getting in his way? It is critical to figure out why a child is having a difficult time going to school in order to develop an effective treatment plan, to assist your child in reintegrating back into school.
It is also critical to have the support and the assistance of your child’s school. It can assist you in creating an appropriate action plan to get your child back to school. That plan may entail a school staff member temporarily coming over to escort your child to school in the mornings (nothing quite as effective at getting a kid up and out as a school security guard entering the home). The plan may also entail accommodations such as your child being able to take a break from class if he or she feels a panic attack coming on. There are many creative strategies to assist a child in more effectively managing distress and obtaining the tools and skills necessary to handle life’s challenging moments. What is most important is for children to learn that quitting, avoiding, or running away from problems is not a viable long-term solution. As we adults have all learned the hard way, it just leads to digging ourselves deeper into the pain and suffering.
If your child is struggling with school refusal or school anxiety, I recommend you contact a mental health professional trained in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or pharmacotherapies or both. You can search for a therapist in your area on the Anxiety and Depression Association of American (ADAA) website to help you with this challenging, but very important work.
One of the easiest ways to improve your networking ability and invigorate your social life is to develop the skill of talking to strangers.
We’re trained as children to fear strangers (which is good for safety reasons) but most people carry this fear into adulthood where it does more harm than good. It becomes a constraint on the number of people you can meet and interact with. You get stuck in a box, only open to creating new relationships through people you already know.
If you already know a lot of people, this can work all right, but it limits you to meeting people who are generally like you. If you are new to an area and don’t have many friends, the fear of talking to strangers is absolutely crippling.
Fortunately, developing the skill of talking to strangers is easy. Once you get started the immense benefits and excitement it brings will encourage you to keep going.
It comes down to three things:
Understanding the benefits of talking to strangers.
Knowing how to deal with the occasional rejection or unpleasant encounter.
Breaking down your fear through practice.
Everyone is a Learning Experience
To get an idea of the benefits of talking to strangers, you need to change your mentality. As tribal creatures, we’re naturally inclined to fear, nay hate, people we don’t know. We instinctually perceive them as dangerous outsiders, seeking to pillage our village and make off with our women and children!
In modern society this simply isn’t true. Most people are friendly and perfectly open to conversing with you. It just takes a little effort to cross the stranger barrier. Each person is an incredible learning opportunity. What they tell you about themselves. How they live and interact with the world. There is a wealth information waiting to be tapped.
Strangers also tell you a tremendous amount about yourself by the way they react to you. As you gain experience and learn to read body language, these reactions are essential to developing your social skills. Of course, there are also the priceless relationships you’ll have the chance to form:
Business contacts – Who you know (and what they think of you) is often more important than what’s on your resume.
Friendships
Mentors and teachers
Romantic relationships
I think the last point is extremely important. We all dream of meeting our ideal mate, but when we see someone we’re extremely attracted to, we’re usually too intimidated to approach them. How can you expect to find love with that mentality?
Dealing with Rudeness and Rejection
Now that you’re sold on the benefits of talking to strangers, the only other skill you’ll need is the ability to let rejection roll off your back. The key to this is not taking it personally.
At least 95% of the time when a person reacts negatively to you it has absolutely nothing to do with you personally. Most likely they’re having a bad day or you caught them at the wrong moment. Maybe they’ve been harassed by people before and assume you have bad intentions. Or maybe they’re just not that cool and you wouldn’t gain much from knowing them anyways.
Instead of reliving the incident in your mind and dwelling on your insecurities, imagine reasons for their behavior that don’t depend on you. In the 5% of cases where you actually caused the negative reaction, treat it as a learning experience. The problem isn’t you, it’s your behavior, so examine what you could have done better. Did you come off pushy? Could your personal appearance be better? Thinking about these things will go a long way towards improving yourself.
How to Get Started
That hardest part of talking to strangers is getting started. Before you have experience striking up conversations it can make you nervous and awkward, but the more you do it the smoother and more likeable you’ll become.
Start Small – If you’re a naturally reserved person, you’ll probably want to warm up a bit. Start with making eye contact with people you might like to talk to, smiling at them, or saying Hi out of the blue. Think of possible conversation starters you could say.
Comment on Something – If you see something remarkable, make a comment. Even if it’s not at anyone directly, chances are people will hear and react to you. If you see someone doing or wearing something interesting, tell them what you think. Keep it positive and most likely they will be happy to chat.
Make a Joke – If a decent joke pops into your head, just come out and say it. If someone laughs, that’s the perfect conversation starter. This is great for opening dialogue with attractive people of the opposite sex.
That’s really all there is to it. Good luck and don’t get discouraged. You have nothing to lose but your shyness!
Confidence is the key to EVERYTHING. Ever wondered exactly how self confident you actually are?
A common thread in humanity isself-sabotage. In our never-ending quest for happiness and achievement, a small, piercing voice asks, “Why me?” We wonder why we deserve to be happy when other people are literally and emotionally starved. This is a good question to ask, but the answer is not guilt. Life is too short to not enjoy it, which is why you shouldn’t let the following things get to you.
1. Having a good childhood.
Izismile
Anti-bullying organizations exist is to give more children better childhoods. If you had one, great. That’s what is supposed to happen. It is no one’s right to assume you are less of a person because you didn’t struggle to fit in, or feel loved. Struggle often molds a character that is unspoiled and empathetic, but that doesn’t mean your lack of struggle has spoiled you. You have the choice and responsibility to understand the lives of those worse off than you, but you don’t owe it to anyone to be unhappy. The best way to regard your happy childhood is with gratitude and respect for those who made it happen (that includes you).
2. Having a life partner you’re actually in love with.
Buzzfeed
If your friends and family envy your partnership with another man or woman, that’s on them, not you. If you’re really in love with someone, you’re not rubbing it in anyone’s face, or talking about him in obscene volumes. If you’re in love, you’re in love, and your real friends would rejoice with you. Don’t expect a damn dinner party; expect them to be happy for you rather than pray an angry wasp gets trapped in your car.
3. Being good looking.
Here’s the deal with being attractive: you didn’t do it; biology did. You deserve neither to be proud nor guilty as it is neither accomplishment nor crime. That gorgeous hairline, and those angelic earlobes were given to you at random by mother nature. Anyone who tries to make you feel guilty for “not knowing what it’s like to be ugly,” has some serious inner demon that she needs to wrestle or snuggle with depending on its demeanor. Oh, and for the record, anyone who says “It’s a good thing you’re pretty,” is not complimenting you. Stop inviting that person to brunch immediately.
4. Having wealthy parents.
Being well off doesn’t mean you’re a monster. Money has the power to turn us intoScrooges, but even that guy came around. So, your parents gave you five months rent in a furnished NYC apartment. So what! And meanwhile, your friends are trying to live in the same shoe-sized loft that’s sandwiched between a “Pet Shop” that certainly isn’t part of a drug cartel, and some guy who thinks the walls are alive. There will definitely be resentment coming your way, and honestly, can you blame them? The good news is that unless you take it for granted, you shouldn’t feel bad that your parents are helping you. They’re supposed to. Be thankful and enjoy the gift.
5. Being naturally good at something.
City of Lake Oswego
Talent and intelligence are like good looks. They come (or don’t come) naturally to us, and not of our own doing. In our culture, we like to give credit where credit is due, and often, we give credit to those who work hard to achieve greatness. When greatness is put easily within our reach, however, we feel guilty about the lack of work it took to get there. Stop this. As Morgan Freeman said, “Doing it is not the hard part. The hard part is getting to do it.” Be thankful for your talents, celebrate them, and put them to good use. You’ve got the tools to be great, now all you need is the chance. Rather than guilt yourself into thinking you don’t deserve it, spend your time trying to find it. The payoff will be far better.
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