Managing My Depression Is a Constant Struggle. Here's What's Helped

BY JOHN ROMANIELLO

We throw the word "depression" around a lot. That's the unfortunate truth. We use it to describe a weeklong period of sadness after a breakup or a few days of feeling bad when things aren’t going our way. I don’t mean to trivialize those experiences or emotional hardships. But being sad is not the same as being depressed—that’s only the smallest part of it.

Depression is about feeling trapped by overwhelming unhappiness, completely surrounded by an impenetrable fog of misery, and a general acceptance of the idea that it will never go away.

Winston Churchill called depression “the black dog.” His reasoning was simple: Like a hunting dog, it would always be nipping at his heels, following him. For some people, the black dog is omnipresent. For others, like myself, depression comes and goes—but even when you’re not suffering, you’re always aware of the black dog off in the distance, waiting to close in. This is an uncomfortable thought to which one must adapt: Even when you’re not depressed, you’re afraid of depression.

In My Case

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When I say I’ve suffered from “debilitating” depression, I mean exactly that: I’ve had long periods of time (three months or more) when getting out of bed was the only thing I could accomplish each day. And sometimes that was a stretch.

There have been times when I would break down and cry for seemingly no reason or randomly snap and put my fist through a window before I could rein in my temper. There were months when I hid from friends and family, pretending everything was fine and that I was too “busy” to see them while sitting alone in the dark. More often than I care to admit, there were times when I needed to be working on some massive project, but instead would spend a weekend watching an entire season of some TV show I’d already seen.

That’s what depression is like for me: a general inability to perform. And with it, a feeling of shame and guilt for not being able to do so, compounded by the ever-growing anxiety of deadlines.

In many ways, being truly depressed is sort of like being immunocompromised: It weakens you emotionally and psychologically, wears you down to your bones—and suddenly, things that would not normally affect you or which you could fight off with ease overwhelm you. When I’m depressed, I’m infinitely more susceptible to things like guilt, fear, shame, and regret. I’ll dwell on mistakes I made years ago and think about all of the ways I could have done things differently. I’ll feel ashamed of myself and my actions or inaction—and actively fantasize about the ways the lives of everyone around me would be better if I were simply not there.

Small setbacks seem like incomprehensible obstacles. Tiny transgressions seem like reasons for justifiable homicide.

Small setbacks seem like incomprehensible obstacles. Tiny transgressions seem like reasons for justifiable homicide. Mustering up the energy to shower sometimes takes days. Sleep comes unbidden or not at all. Training is half-hearted at best. Food turns to ash, and everything that isn’t made of chocolate seems to be made of cardboard. Life is pretty sh*tty.

Coming Out the Other Side

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Since I’m clinically depressed and not bi-polar, I don’t have cycles of depression alternated with extreme mania. I just have periods of being depressed and periods of being a relatively normal human being. Most of the time I’m fine and happy and productive. I’m typically brash, boisterous, happy-go-lucky. I’m friendly and goofy and annoyingly passionate about love and life and sex and food and literature and music.

But depression doesn’t really follow any schedule or come at predictable intervals. Things just start feeling awful, and then they feel worse. And then you sort of get used to feeling awful. And then maybe things change a bit.

There is no massive change, no celebratory event, no clear signal that the storm has passed. Things just slowly get better. Day by day you’re able to function just a little bit more.

There’s an old saying about the month of March: It comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Depression, then, is the March of your emotional calendar. And like March, it strikes suddenly and takes over absolutely everything. When it fades, it’s gradual. There is no massive change, no celebratory event, no clear signal that the storm has passed. Things just slowly get better. Day by day you’re able to function just a little bit more. And then one day you look up and realize you’re doing pretty well. Things seem less gray, and the world seems to offer reasons to keep living.

And there are reasons—thousands upon thousands of reasons. And they’re all around you. You just need to wait things out long enough for the veil to lift so you can see them. Now let’s talk about how to do that.

How I’ve Coped

Therapy and medication are viable options for treatment, as are other less clinical approaches: meditation, exercise, certain dietary changes. All of them work in their own way. While I dislike medication, I admit that antidepressants, taken in moderate doses for short periods of time (8 to 12 weeks), have seemed to get me through the hardest times.

Whether you find yourself besieged by depression and/or thoughts of suicide, or you know someone who may be in distress, I’d like to provide some other resources that have helped me.

1. Pick up the phone.

If you’re actually considering suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline immediately: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).

2. Educate yourself.

If you’re exploring depression from an academic perspective and trying to figure out how the pieces fit together in your particular emotional landscape, I encourage you to spend some time reading the following articles:

Some Practical Thoughts on Suicide, by Tim Ferris
This amazing series on The Art of Manliness, collectively titled Leashing the Black Dog:

• Part 1: My Struggle With Depression
• Part 2: The History of Depression
• Part 3: What Causes Depression?
• Part 4: The Symptoms of Depression
• Part 5: A Realistic, Encouraging, Compassionate, No-Nonsense, Research-Backed, Action-Oriented Guidebook to Managing Your Depression

3. Do nothing; be silent; be still. Breathe.

Take a moment and try to take the long view.

Perspective is important because chances are whatever fresh hell you’re experiencing is a temporary thing. Eventually you’re going to feel better—or at least, less awful. Your experience of depression, however powerful, is an exercise in exposure to the impermanence of humanity—and there is simply no real upside to facilitating death with suicide. Because once you’re dead, that’s it. Game over.

While I admit that the idea of committing suicide might occasionally reach out to the tortured artist in me, the pragmatic side of my personality rails against the thought. Because suicide is permanent—and ultimately robs the world of whatever contributions you may make in the future. What if Hemingway killed himself before The Sun Also Rises? Or The Old Man and the Sea?

While I cannot claim any Pulitzer Prize-winning manuscripts, in my own small way, I change lives. I have a file on my computer of emails filled with several hundred notes from people who have said my work has changed their lives; those are lives I would not have had the chance to change had I checked out years ago. To me, that is a reason to keep living.

4. Take control.

I’ve come to believe that suicide is an attempt to feel in control, and both depression and anxiety result (in part) from feeling out of control. So take control—of something, anything.

Take control of your body. Cut your hair. Get a tattoo. Sign up for a transformation challenge. You’d be surprised how this can help. (I am endlessly surprised by how many of my clients tell me they were suffering from depression before starting their fitness journey.)

Take control of your environment. Change something. Devote five minutes a day to imposing your will on something external. There have been some surveys that suggest that something as simple as making your bed every morning can mitigate the symptoms of depression.

Take control of your mind. Meditate. Read. Write. Examine. Discuss. Whatever seems interesting to you, dive into it and allow it to eat up some of the energy the black dog is trying to siphon from you. I have a friend who was experiencing intense feelings of anxiety and who decided to address it by taking control of his inbox. He made it a game to see how many things he could unsubscribe from or delete in a single day then tried to beat it the following day; within two weeks, he was at inbox zero—and he said that helped.

5. Do less.

A big part of feeling out of control is simply feeling overwhelmed. If you have too much sh*t to do and your ability to produce is already hampered by your emotional state, then you’re not going to get it all done. Trust me, this will push you further in depression.

If you can eliminate something, do it. Do less. Say no to as much as you can. Push off any obligations or projects that aren’t immediately urgent. Delegate things to other people, and actually allow them to help you.

6. Ask for help.

This is the hardest thing of all but also the single most important—and the most beneficial. If you’re anything like me, you feel deep shame about asking for help and more so about needing help.

I find it almost impossible to look back now and get into the mind of the person I was in those moments—but I do know that I did not allow myself to ask for help.

I’ve had three actual suicide attempts: two of which I can say in retrospect were more a cry for help (ironic, as I never told anyone about them), and one that qualifies as what mental health professionals label a sincere attempt. I find it almost impossible to look back now and get into the mind of the person I was in those moments—but I do know that I did not allow myself to ask for help.

What I’ve come to believe is that suicide is something that is contemplated for extended periods of time— yet the decision to execute is made in a single moment. Had I just reached out to someone, anyone, I would have gotten through that particular moment and been able to lean on them for support.

Ask for help. From a friend. A loved one. A stranger. The hotline. A support group.

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13:01:00 - By Vincent 0

How To Make The Best Use Of Time

BY Vinay Kachhara 

Time flows like a river.

Have you heard of this phrase before? Certainly, you must have. Moreover, we all experience it.

We cruise along and drench ourselves in the river of time – sometimes we even get lost in it!

Or, at other times, time seems to have frozen, it just stands still.

Time stops!

Don’t the lovers feel so?

They are so engrossed in each other that even though they are together for hours, it seems like just a few moments, and they are left longing for more time.

In the material world, the time clock keeps ticking but your mental clock seems to betray it and stops following all laws.

I felt so, rather recently. No, not while romancing, but while working. 

Can you imagine that we’ve been away from blogging for months at a stretch? We hadn’t thought our break would be this long!

It feels like only yesterday when we wrote last on the blog, but it’s been a while now.

It’s been a strange and enlightening experience, which I’d share with you.

“Know the true value of time; snatch, seize, and enjoy every moment of it. No idleness, no laziness, no procrastination: never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.” ~ Philip Stanhope

Let’s Analyze Time

Based on my experiences, I’ve observed two things:

a) When idle, time moves slow.

Let me ask you about Sundays, holidays, or when you are on vacation. Don’t you feel like the day is too long or it’s hard to pass time when you sit idle?

It seems like days, even if a single day hasn’t passed.

On the contrary –

b) When busy, time moves fast.

This is what happened to me. I’ve been so busy with things that I was amazed so much time has elapsed, and I don’t even feel it! Time flies!!

It seems like a week, though a few months have passed.

Surely, Einstein was right – time is relative.

It depends on many factors, and one of them is your mental state.

Do you remember your experience taking an exam or watching a movie?

You sit through the exam writing all the answers, and the number of hours passes so quickly that you’re left gasping for more time.

Or you are so engrossed watching a good movie that you do not realize how quickly time passes. Then, you really feel the movie has been worth your money, don’t you?

But sometimes, even if you are busy and engrossed, you end up wasting time or not making good use of it.

Strange, isn’t it?

Making The Wrong Use Of Time

Even the slow and steady can win the race.

Besides working hard, you also need to be smart.

You waste your time if:

> You are not organized or do not have the things planned.

> You do not have a system that makes sense of the things you do and gives you a direction.

> Your efforts are not concerted; rather they are divided and not connected.

> You try to go too fast or engage in multitasking.

Are you making any of these mistakes?

Yes, I did. I made some of these mistakes and I do not regret or feel ashamed to accept it.

I believe acceptance opens the doors to improvement. The act of improvement will make you avoid the same mistake and lead you to the path of success.

My mistake was that I tried my hands on too many things at the same time. The result was that none of them got completely done.

I’ve been very busy all this while working on a few new projects, and for me time flew at the speed of the Concorde! But I still don’t have anything concrete to show you all.

I’d just take on a task as a challenge and keep working on it, and in the process neglect the other important tasks.

So, how does this analysis and my experience help you?

Yes, you now know that there’s more to making the best use of time than being busy.

Ways To Make The Best Use Of Time

Here’s what I conclude from my experiences and analysis of time – the more attentive and passionate you are, the more you make use of time.

Also, the faster the time moves, the more valuable it becomes.

But it is also true that if you do not mix fast and slow time in your working, you may end up being burnt out.

Don’t always be in the fast lane; take time out of your busyness and slow down.

To make the best use of time, you need to:

• Have the right mental state to leverage time.
• Have a practical strategy in place.
• Remain focused to be more productive.
• List your tasks daily and keep track of them.
• Balance and prioritize your work.
• Put your hands on what you can manage.
• Take up one task at a time, complete it, and then move to the next one.

Making good use of your time isn’t difficult as you just need to implement and practice these guidelines frequently. Gradually, they will become new habits and a part of your routine.

If you can leverage time in the right way, you can achieve stability, strength, and prosperity.

I’ve a step-wise structure for you to make sure that you include all the guidelines to make the best use of time.

 “Eternity: a moment standing still forever.” ~ James Montgomery

T.I.M.E. – The Four Steps To Harness The Value Of Time

If you wish to be successful, you need to harness time. Here’s my method to help you.

I love acronyms. This time I’ve a special one for you and it’s called – TIME!

It stands for:

T  – Thinking

I  – Implementation

M – Management

E  – Exploration

Let me explain them to you.

Thinking

The seed of success is an idea or a thought.

To incubate an idea of success you need to have the right state of mind.

Furthermore, you need to connect your ideas and think deep to develop a plan.

Planning is essential for success, no matter what aspect of life. It gives you a form and direction to follow.

You create the long-term and short-term goals making sure they are realistic.

But mere planning is not enough. You need to go ahead and implement those plans.

“Time is what we want most, but what we use worst.” ~ William Penn

Implementation

It is nothing but putting your plan to action.

To implement, you need to have the will or the motivation to get out of your state of inertia or the comfort zone.

You can bank on your four personal qualities, the 4 D’s – Devotion, Dedication, Determination, and Discipline. I’ve laid it all out here in this post.

Without implementation, your planning is useless, a futile act and a waste of time.

It will help if you make achievable to-do lists at the start of each day and carry out those tasks.

However, you need more to make your plans become effective.

“We must use time wisely and forever realize that the time is always ripe to do right.” ~ Nelson Mandela

Management

You need to make sure that your plans are implemented in the way they are meant to be.

To implement your plans successfully, you have to ensure that your efforts are organized and are in the right direction.

You need to develop the right skills and especially learn the skills of time management.

Keep track of all your tasks, and besides allocating deadlines, define time limits to each one of them.

In fact, you need to manage all the aspects of your life that may affect the implementation of your plans, directly or indirectly.

Proper administration saves you time and make your efforts more efficient.

If you wish to achieve excellence, then you need to go a step further.

“My favorite things in life don’t cost any money. It’s really clear that the most precious resource we all have is time.” ~ Steve Jobs

Exploration

Yes, you need to become an explorer!

Most successful people are pioneers and inventors of some sort, who spend a millionth part of every second they got to explore new avenues and methods.

You should leave no stone unturned and make sure that no second of your life goes waste. You have to be systematic and spontaneous too.

Going by the book is good, but you also need to be flexible enough to change your ways when your plans do not work as desired.

Yes, sometimes it happens that things do not go as per the plans. Don’t lose hope or treat that as a failure.

There is a time for everything, and your job is not to give up and keep trying.

To harness your time in the best way, you need to be able to extract the best out of every moment, change your thoughts, and look for signs of better opportunities.

“Tough times never last, but tough people do.” ~ Robert H. Schuller

Let’s Be Efficient And Smart

“Time and tide wait for no man” and “Lost time is never found again” – these are popular quotes that I’m sure you’ve read many times before.

But the real problem is that we forget as soon as we read it.

We need to change our habit and stop wasting time.

Remember that every moment is precious. Make every intention sacred, every thought positive, every behavior meaningful, and every act decisive.

Let’s resolve to use every moment to develop ourselves, grow professionally, and cherish the gift of life!

So, are you going to make good use of your time now?

“Time stays long enough for anyone who will use it.” ~ Leonardo da Vinci

Over to You –

Do you believe in the value and power of time? How do you make the best use of time? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below

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13:30:00 - By Vincent 0

Comfort zone challenge 9. Selfies with 3 random people

Comfort zone challenge 9. Selfies with 3 random people

14:20:00 - By Vincent 0

How Perfectionism Destroys Happiness

BY Steven Handel

If you want to never be happy or satisfied with your life, one great way to do that is to raise your expectations to an unrealistically high standard that can never possibly be met.

This is the essence of perfectionism. It’s the inability to be happy with something until it is perfect, without any flaws whatsoever. Of course, the problem with this mindset is that perfectionism is often an illusion.

Life rarely works out exactly the way we want, in any domain – whether it’s relationships, work, or goals.

And many times being more happy with your life requires that you let go of these expectations and learn to be more content with how things are, rather than how you picture they should be in an “ideal world.”

Many studies are beginning to show the many ways perfectionism can destroy your happiness.

Perfectionism leads to feelings of regret and dissatisfaction

In one study published in the Journal of Consumer Psychology, it was found that a “must have the best” mindset can magnify feelings of regret and dissatisfaction.

Psychologists are calling it the “maximizing mindset,” and it’s one symptom of perfectionism. We always seek to choose the best possible option in every given scenario, but that’s not always possible.

These findings are consistent with another recent study published in the Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior Therapy that discovered perfectionism can lead to more “post-event rumination.”

This just means that after something happens to us, we are much more likely to continue to think about it and second-guess our choices. This makes it much more harder to let go of our past decisions, and especially our past mistakes.

Perfectionism hurts our relationships

The research continues to build on the negative consequences of perfectionism.

In another recent study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, it was found that perfectionism can hurt our relationships as well.

Romantic couples who see their relationships as a “perfect unity” (“We are soul mates” or “We we’re made for each other”) are more prone to relationship problems than those who view their relationship as a “journey” (“We grow together” or “Look how far we’ve come”).

This makes sense. Every relationship is going to have problems we have to work through. But if you think you both are absolutely perfect for each other, then it’s going to be hard to accept and deal with the highs and lows of every relationship.

Often times, a more practical and realistic mindset prepares you for the inevitable road bumps in life. And it’s better to prepare yourself for reality than to live in delusion.

Perfectionism negatively influences your work

One of the most common effects of perfectionism is how it influences our work and personal goals.

In a study published in the Journal of Counseling Psychology discovered that individuals who have a greater tendency for perfectionism are also more likely to procrastinate.

When we have a perfectionist mentality, it’s really hard to swallow our pride and say “I’m done.” Instead, we find ourselves constantly changing things, tweaking every little detail, and working non-stop until we finally feel satisfied. Although we never do.

This is also consistent with another study on how perfectionism can lead to “workaholism,” an unhealthy drive to never stop working, which can often lead to more stress, fatigue, and burnout.

Perfectionism hurts our self-esteem and body image

According to a study published in the Journal of Eating Disorders, perfectionism can also hurt our body image and play a role in the development of eating disorders.

We commonly compare our body appearances to the “ideals” we find in movies, TV, magazines, and other forms of entertainment. This can lead us to set our own standards incredibly high, which will often lead to disappointment in our own bodies.

As you can see, perfectionism can destroy our happiness in many different areas of our lives. It’s an attitude that we have to be very careful of. Here are ways to think less like a perfectionist in your daily life.

How to let go of perfectionism

Perfectionism is ultimately a mindset, so the best way to let go of it is to start building a new mindset toward life.

For many truly happy and successful people, they don’t have a perfectionist mindset – but agrowth mindset. They understand that life is a process of ups and downs, and we are constantly learning and growing from these experiences.

Unlike the perfectionist, the growth-oriented person doesn’t see their happiness or success in any area of a life as a “fixed place.” Instead, it’s a never-ending journey.

Start thinking in a new direction:

• “Mistakes are a normal part of everyday life.”
• “Failure is often a necessary step toward success.”
• “It’s not about being the best, but trying your best.”
• “No single event in the past defines you. Move forward.”
• “You’re always growing as an individual.”
• “Focus on the bigger picture more than the details.”
• “Your flaws and imperfections are what make you unique.”
• “There are always new obstacles to overcome.”
• “You accept the ups and downs in life with grace.”

Choose 3 of these self-affirmations that you like best.

Now, write each one down on an index card and place it around your home where you’ll see it frequently, for example: a mirror, a fridge, or above your bed.

For the next week, every time you see these self-affirmations, try repeating them to yourself 3 times each (either inside your head or out-loud to yourself).

This is just one small step in changing your thinking to a more “growth-oriented” mindset. With a little conscious practice, this way of thinking will begin to spread into your daily life.

Try one of these exercises:

If you want to go one step further in overcoming your perfectionism, I challenge you to try one of the following exercises:

1. Just Complete One Goal Today

Assign yourself a small project, and just give yourself to the end of the day to finish it. It can be anything, the simpler the better: creating a new song or writing a poem. The point is to just do it, and not obsess over the final product. Give yourself permission to say, “It’s done!” without needing to second-guess yourself.

2. Try Failing On Purpose

Put yourself in a situation where you know you’ll fail. You’ll often find that failure isn’t that bad, and it often means you’re challenging yourself in a positive and productive way. Many times, you may even feel better about yourself for trying and failing, rather than never trying at all.

Individuals with a “growth mindset” do these types of things everyday – they are always taking small steps, and willing to put themselves in situations where they are challenged and may fail.

In many ways, perfectionism is the opposite of growth and happiness. It stagnates us and keeps us both stuck and unsatisfied. To truly be happy, we need to first learn to let go of our unrealistically high expectations about life.

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17:00:00 - By Vincent 0