NEVER-ENDING CONTRIBUTION, How to give even in times of scarcity

By Tony Robins

When you think of your life, do you think about what’s missing? Or do you think about what you have?

If you always think about what you don’t have, you will tend to hold on to everything that you do have, because you feel that you have so little and thus not much to give. But listen to Tony as he explains how giving in times of extreme discomfort, when you feel “lack” and not abundance, can be the most valuable.

13:34:00 - By Vincent 0

The Secret Weapon!

By Howard Partridge

Once you have identified past referral sources, you now have a profile of potential referral sources. You have a reward system in place. Now it’s time to make a visit to their office or store. There is one secret strategy that will do more for your referral relationship program than anything else.

What is this powerful secret? Food. Yes, food. In particular, donuts, chocolates, pizza, lunch, candy, snacks, etc. Food is the international language that everyone understands! Food is the one thing that can gain the attention that you cannot get any other way. The reason is that feeding someone taps deep into the Law of Reciprocity, which says, “If you give me something, I give you something.” With food it goes deeper. It penetrates our most primitive make up. If you feed me, I owe you the time of day. If you give me a treat, I owe you at least a couple minutes of time!

Remember the Five Point Marketing Message from an earlier article? What a great time to share it—while they are partaking of the delicious brownies or candy you just brought! If you walk in with sales materials, what’s their posture? Busy! Too busy to talk. But if you walk in the door with a box of Krispy Kreme donuts, they will listen to every word you have to say! It’s amazing, and I have seen it work over and over again.

I first learned this from my wife, Denise. She’s in radio sales, and I noticed that she would take her clients milk and cookies and, in the afternoon, bring them lunch. She even had a company that made custom chocolate bars and she had the client’s logo branded on the chocolate bar.

Just about every night she’s wrapping gifts for clients and people in her network. All of the closets in our house are jammed with gifts that don’t belong to anyone yet. She buys things as she sees them, then when there’s a need, the wrapping begins! I finally “got it” one hot summer morning when she was walking out the door to go to work with a laundry basket full of things for the pool—squirt guns, goggles, and flip flops. “Where ya' goin’ with that stuff?” I asked. “Oh, a lot of my clients have kids, so I’m bringing them stuff for the pool.” Hmmm…, I thought to myself.

I decided to try it out.

There was a large potential referral source that I had called on 11 times (yes, eleven times). I had nice brochures and a nice introduction, but I didn’t have the secret weapon. Every time I went into this place, I got the same response—a stiff arm came up along with, “We’re real happy with the people we’re using right now. Thanks for coming by.” But this time I went to the grocery store and bought a little box of chocolates for $2.99.

I walked in and a lady down the hall noticed me come in. I introduced myself and she responded with the same stiff arm answer. She obviously didn’t see the chocolates, so I said, “But I brought chocolates,” with a little smile on my face. You should have seen her body language change! It went from the Nazi stiff arm to standing in front of me holding the box of chocolates almost close to her heart. I could almost hear her thinking, Who is this nice man bringing me chocolates! Within seven days we began getting referrals from that company. And they became a consistent referral source for us from that point on. One of my early members increased his business $30,000 per month by making Friday “Donut Day.” He and his wife loaded up the truck with branded boxes of donuts every week and set out to see as many referral sources and accounts as they could. I ran into him at a conference recently, and he told me it continued to work so well that he now has other people delivering donuts on a regular basis. That is the case with us as well.

A final food story that is instructive is about an auto repair shop called Freedom Automotive. My service company has a nice clean fleet of vehicles parked outside. Freedom Automotive obviously noticed the fleet, and one morning a box of donuts and a little card from Freedom Automotive showed up at our office. The next week, another box of donuts. After about the fourth or fifth week, I saw my operations director walking down the hall with a fistful of donuts and Freedom’s card. He said, “We should at least give them a try.” (I mean after all, they might stop sending us donuts if we don’t, right?)

So we called Freedom, and they came to the office and gave us a presentation. They charged more than the shop we currently used. “Yeah, but the shop we use doesn’t even say thank you. They don’t care about us,” we argued to ourselves. In Freedom’s presentation, they showed us how following their maintenance plan would actually save us money. Who do you think we use? Freedom Automotive. This took place about 20 years ago, and we still use them today. I know what you’re wondering, Do they still have donuts delivered? Yes, they still have donuts delivered.

Find out what your major accounts and your referral sources like and take it to them. If they like Dove bars, take Dove bars to them. If they like Starbucks chocolate-covered Espresso beans, bring those along with you when you visit.

We have all of our existing and potential referral sources on a route. Every month we deliver cookies, pies, cakes, or whatever. We have a number of other “food strategies” too. For example, we cook breakfast for referral sources, hold referral appreciation lunches, and more.

What if your referral sources aren’t local? You can ship stuff. There are a variety of gourmet food baskets you can order online. Recently a man who owns a franchise called Candy Bouquet International became a client of ours—they make custom candy bouquets. I use a program called Send Out Cards . With Send Out Cards, you can send along cookies, brownies, and many other gourmet food items.

Try this secret weapon and see if it works for you. I know it will.

SOURCE

13:15:00 - By Vincent 0

12 Things You Don't Actually Need to Have Figured Out by Age 30

BY LOCKE HUGHES

In our early 20s, many of us are introduced to the post-grad world, which is apparently full of possibilities. The sky’s the limit! Anything we can put our mind to we can accomplish! Live your dreams!

Or so we’ve been told. Bombarded by messages of endless opportunity, it’s not insane to expect things to just sort of work out as they’re supposed to—just like they did while you plodded through high school and (if you're lucky) college, from class to class and grade to grade.

Once you accept that being 'grown up' isn’t exactly what you thought it would be, it can be pretty freeing.

But as you’ve probably realized by now, life isn’t always linear. Things don’t always turn out the way you pictured in elementary school, doodling your dreams in your favorite Lisa Frank notebook. While it’s sort of terrifying, once you accept that being “grown up” isn’t exactly what you thought it would be, it can be pretty freeing.

I’m not saying setting goals isn’t worthwhile (it is)—but when your goals take a little longer to reach or you end up shifting your priorities, that’s OK too. From settling down to paying off all your loans, here are 12 things you don’t have to have figured out quite yet.

1. How to Travel the World

 PIN IT

I don’t think I have to tell you that traveling is awesome: It opens your eyes to new cultures, beautiful sights, and different types of people. But it’s also stressful, time-consuming, and expensive. And when you follow the adventures of travel bloggers on Instagram, days spent in a cubicle don’t quite compare.

However, putting off a career (and real life) to bounce from Yacht Week to music festival to 10-day yoga retreat isn’t 1) all that realistic and 2) all it’s cracked up to be. Science even confirms it: One studyfound that social media does a great job of highlighting all the glamorous upsides of a jet-setting lifestyle—without portraying the potential drawbacks. As this writer puts it, a picture might be worth a thousand words, but it also leaves out two thousand others.

2. The Person You’ll Marry

As if relationships weren’t tough enough, we now have Tinder and every other app thrown into the mix, making dating in your 20s a whole new game. All that swiping makes it seem like there are a ton of fish in the sea, so when you don’t find the Nemo to your Dory, it kind of sucks.

If you haven’t met the love of your life—the person you want to wake up next to every day for the rest of your life—it’s OK. That’s a huge decision. Don’t let other people’s expectations (or nosy questions) make you rush into something that isn’t right. That’ll just lead to way more heartache down the road. And if you’re putting pressure on yourself because you must. Settle. Down. By. Age. 30, maybe it’s time to rethink your time frame.

3. Your Dream Job

While it's awesome to be ambitious, the reality is that most of us start in entry-level jobs with mind-numbing tasks like checking email and fetching coffee (been there, done that). But no matter where you start, even on the lowest rung of the corporate ladder, there's ample opportunity to grow, network, and learn from the people around you. Getting the career you want involves busting your ass—and being humble in the process.

Also: If you find out your so-called dream job is a dud (or even if you get let go of said dream job), there’s a silver lining. As this articlepoints out, that kind of “career reality check can inspire soul-searching—and ultimately lead you in an unexpected, more satisfying direction.” And your 20s are meant to be a time for finding that out.

4. Where You Want to Live for the Rest of Your Life

...let alone owning a home in that city. If you’re still renting your place, own it—er, be proud of it. This is probably the only time in your life you’re not going to be tied down by mortgage payments, a car, a partner, and/or kids. Move once (or twice). Check out new cities you may want to live in. Spend more time outside your apartment than you do in it. Unless you’re deeply in love with where you live (more power to you if so!), isn’t it more fun NOT to know where you’ll be in five, 10, or 20 years?

5. Running a Marathon

Or a triathlon or even a half-marathon. This is not a prerequisite you have to check off your life to-do list. Of course, if running, biking, or swimming is your thing, go for it. But there are plenty of other ways to work out that don’t involve losing toenails, peeing in a wetsuit, orexhausting yourself, physically and mentally. Move your body in a way that makes you feel good—that’s all that matters.

6. Starting a Side Business

 

PIN IT

Sometimes it sounds like everyone has a side gig or passion project they work on after their 9-to-5. While there are definitely advantages to pursuing your passion outside of your day job, don’t beat yourself up if you haven’t quite found one yet. If you’d rather leave work, go home, and veg out in front of Netflix most nights, that’s your prerogative. And working hard at your day job—where they’re paying you to be fully present—is your no. 1 priority right now.

7. Your Faith

Maybe you grew up praying before every meal and going to church every Sunday. Maybe your parents couldn’t care less about religion. Either way, it’s now up to you to decide what type of role you want faith—in any higher power—to play in your life. In our 20s, many of us stray away from how our parents approached religion (and I bet your parents did the same thing). Whether you’ve gotten into mindful meditation, you still go to Bible studies, or you’ve stopped thinking about faith altogether, whatever you believe in is your choice. Just keep the faith you’ll figure it all out.

8. Cooking Fancy Meals

While we’re all about learning kitchen basics, if cooking just isn’t your thing, don’t beat yourself up about it. Knowing how to make pasta or the perfect boiled egg are nice skills to have, but don’t feel like you need to throw together four-course dinner parties for your friends every weekend. You’ll have plenty of time later in life to brush up on your knife skills.

9. The Right Balance Between Your Relationships

Your third decade of life may start in college, where you’re surrounded by friends day and night. By the end of it, some people will have settled down with just one person, maybe for life. In between, there will be periods of reveling in your glorious singledom as well as those crazy-in-love times when you can’t leave your S.O.’s side. Both are perfectly fine and normal, but finding the exact ratio of time to give your love interests, your friends, and your family is a giant balancing act that takes time to figure out. True friends will stick with you through it all (and call you out for being MIA when they haven’t seen you in weeks).

10. Allllll of Your Finances

There are a few things you should know about managing money in your 20s, but if you aren’t actively investing in the stock market or are still paying off student loans, it’s OK. (In fact, it’s probably smart to be wary of that app idea your friends think up one night at a bar.) While it’s great to sock some money away in a 401(k) if your company offers one, don’t sweat it if not. Just be sure to save some money, whether it’s in an IRA or a savings account!

11. Designing the ~Perfect~ Home or Apartment

 PIN IT

Truth: IKEA furniture rocks. (My couch and coffee table from that magical place still look good after almost six years.) So do picture frames and towels from Target. Whether you’re still in the roommate stage or living solo, you don’t need to have fully decked-out digs with pricey furniture and original artwork. Make your place as cozy and livable and cute as you’d like—there are plenty of ways to do that for almost no money. And be grateful if you don’t have to deal with a mortgage and yard maintenance (yet).

12. Exactly What You Want to Do in Life

Here’s a little secret: No one really knows what they’re doing—especially in their 20s. No, it’s not a throwaway decade, but it’s also not a race. Take the time to figure out what you really, really want in life and work toward it, but don’t freak out if you don’t haven’t achieved all the things you thought you would’ve by some made-up milestone. You only have one life, and it’s way too short to spend beating yourself up.

12:12:00 - By Vincent 0

30 signs YOUR relationship has hit the comfort zone (and will go the distance)

By BIANCA 

Squeezing each other's spots, leaving the toilet door open and talking while naked: 30 signs YOUR relationship has hit the comfort zone (and will go the distance)

• 
  
• Relationships hit the comfort phase after exactly 11 months and 24 days
• Having the confidence to tell a partner their breath smells shows potential
• Doing their laundry and wearing 'ugly' underwear is a sign of a good bond 

Do you go au natural around your partner, chat to them while naked and do their laundry? You've officially hit the comfort zone.

New research reveals that relationships hit the comfort phase after exactly 11 months and 24 days - when you're happy to squeeze each other's spots, leave the toilet door open and tell all about ex-partners.

talking while naked

The research analysed 2,000 couples and found it takes almost a year to get used to sharing your life and living space with a significant other.

And the key signs you've entered the comfort zone include allowing your other half to see you when ill, without make-up on and in your lounging clothes.

Using the toilet without locking the door, feeling free to cry in front of your partner and letting them look after you when poorly are other sure signs of being in a comfortable relationship.

The poll also found having the confidence to tell a partner if their breath is a little smelly or if they need a squirt of deodorant without them taking offence is a strong sign that a relationship has serious potential.

It may seem gross to some, but squeezing each other's spots or plucking stray hairs is another sign a relationship is definitely comfortable. And the cliche of finishing each other's sentences still rings true - appearing inside the top 30 signs of a comfortable partnership.

Using the toilet without locking the doo

Using the toilet without locking the door, feeling free to cry in front of your partner and letting them look after you when poorly are other sure signs of being in a comfortable relationship

Body confidence was a continuous theme, with being more relaxed about shaving, physical appearance overall and wearing swimwear in front of your partner all being cited as good markers for a relationship lasting the pace.

It's not always smooth sailing though - a third have been in a relationship where their partner got too comfortable too quickly and the illusion of a perfect relationship is most commonly broken when the man breaks wind in front of his partner.

Nearly a fifth said a new partner had overstepped the mark by getting in touch with their family members too early, or asking about ex-partners. 

Having the confidence to tell a partner if their breath is a little smelly

Having the confidence to tell a partner if their breath is a little smelly or if they need a squirt of deodorant without them taking offence is another tell-tale sign of a strong relationship

A spokesperson for Measure digital bowel health test, who commissioned the research, said: 'It's interesting to see that it takes nearly a year for people to feel they can really be comfortable around each other.

'At first we're very conscious and don't want to be seen as anything but our best, but gradually over time we let people in more and more as our trust and confidence builds.

'Some might say the signs you've reached that place in a relationship can signal an end to the romance, but it's a good sign that you're comfortable in your partner's presence and can share any topic or worry with them without fear of being judged.'

Letting them have house keys

THE TOP 30 SIGNS OF A RELATIONSHIP COMFORT ZONE 

1. Not wearing make-up

2. Not locking the bathroom door

Giving        3. Wearing pyjamas/lounge wear

4. Breaking wind in front of them

5. Not shaving your legs/face

6. Wearing your less attractive/non-matching underwear

7. Doing his/her laundry

8. Going to the toilet with the door open

9. Confiding in them over health concerns

10. Letting them look after you when you're ill

11. You don't mind crying in front of them

12. Taking calls/visits from their family

13. 'Letting yourself go' without worrying about it

14. Laughing when they take the mickey out of you

15. Letting them have house keys

16. Happy to have a conversation while naked

17. Knowing their views on marriage and kids

18. Telling them when they need a mint/deodorant

19. Shaving in front of them

20. Asking them to squeeze a spot/pluck a hair

21. Not fretting at the prospect of being in swimwear in front of them

22. Showering together

23. Going clothes shopping together

24. Making their lunch to take to work

25. Answering their phone

26. Leaving clothes at each other's houses

27. Telling them your hang-ups

28. Finishing each other's sentences

29. Calling them by a pet name

30. Talking about/knowing about ex-partners

  SOURCE

12:00:00 - By Vincent 0

Comfort zone challenge 12, asking romantic suggestions

Comfort zone challenge 12, asking romantic suggestions

14:30:00 - By Vincent 0

20 Small Ways to Break Out of Your Comfort Zone and Create a Positive Change Starting Today

by HENRIK EDBERG

“Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.”
Brian Tracy

I’m a big fan of doing the unusual thing. Sometimes in big ways. Often in small and daily ways to mix things up.

Why?

Because this habit is a simple and relatively easy way to:

• Expand your comfort zone. And if you change your perspective on yourself from someone who sticks to the old and comfortable all the time to someone who likes to mix things up then it will feel more natural and easier to break out of your comfort zone when comes to bigger things too. Because this habit makes the inner resistance and the fear that may hold you back smaller.
• Add a spark to your day and come alive. It keeps you from getting stuck in the same old daily or weekly rut. And it adds more fun to your life.
• Refuel your curiousness about the world and life. When you do the unusual thing regularly you to discover a ton of new and exciting things. And that will refuel your curiousness about what else is out there that you haven’t discovered just yet.

So how do you do the unusual thing and break out of your comfort zone in small and sometimes bigger ways?

Here’s 20 ideas that have helped me and still help me to do just that.

1. Eat the unusual thing. Instead of choosing the meat-based dish at lunch try the vegetarian alternative. Or try the fish if you usually go for the beef.
2. Smile towards everyone. Instead of just going along with your day in your normal social way try smiling more. Smile more towards your co-workers, the lady at the checkout at the supermarket, the people closest to you and smile to yourself when you encounter a mirror. See what happens.
3. Cook something new. Each week we try cooking a new recipe. It is most often a tasty experiment and helps us to find, sometimes unexpected, new favorites. It has also certainly made me a better cook in the last few years.
4. Mix up your music. I mix things up by trying new music every month. I have a look at the best music on sites like Pitchfork.com and Metacritic.com. Then I load a few of those albums on Spotify and listen.
5. Work in complete silence and stillness. Shut the door to your office, shut off your music, unplug the internet and just focus on doing the most important thing you can do today while enjoying the silence.
6. Read something that your friends wouldn’t guess that you are reading. Right now I’m reading a Swedish book about investing sensibly in stocks. Definitely not my usual cup of tea. But it’s really interesting.
7. Do all your shopping for the week. Instead of doing grocery shopping when you feel like it or need to, sit down and plan what you will eat and need for a whole week. Go and get all of that at the store. Now you don’t have to go back there for a week and you’ll probably have a bunch of extra free time and less stress to enjoy this week.
8. Have a day of kindness. Instead of having the usual bursts of irony, sarcasm etc. during your day try to go for a day where you are just being kind and friendly to everyone including yourself.
9. Enjoy it all. All fluctuations during your normal day is a part of life and as life it’s a gift in some way or another. So on some days I just tell myself: “enjoy it all”. Then I try to enjoy my day no matter if the inbox is overfull, if I’m hungry and starting to get cranky. The things I usually don’t like so much I tell myself to enjoy as a part of life. And so my day actually becomes more enjoyable because much of how we see life is about how we choose to think about it.
10. Watch something odd. If you usually watch thrillers then try a romantic comedy. If you most often get stuck with documentaries try an animated movie form Japan (I recommend anything by Hayao Miyazaki). If you love Family Guy, try the Wire. Expand what you watch to get new ideas and impressions.
    
11. Listen to the sound of the world. Leave your portable music player/radio at home. Just listen to sounds of the city, nature and people as you move about during your day.
12. Take a day to be offline. I tend to spend a day a week offline (usually Saturday or Sunday). It’s a wonderful change of pace and feels like I’m on a small, healthy and extra relaxing vacation. Plus, it makes it more fun to get back to work on Monday.
13. Take a news black out. Instead of reading the paper or watching the news as usual try to go without that for a day. See how it affects you and how much you miss the news.
14. Hide a note for a loved one. Hide a sweet note of affection for a partner, family member or a friend in his or her cookie jar, tea or coffee container, book on the nightstand, hat, shoes or somewhere else where they look each day. Make him or her happy in an unexpected and unusual way.
15. Take a different route. To work or to school. To your gym or home. See something new even when you are in transport mode.
16. Walk or take the bicycle to work. Instead of taking the car or riding the bus as usual. Get some exercise and fresh air before it is time to start working and on your way home.
17. Let it go just for today. If you often get into arguments or have trouble letting issues go and replay them over and over in your mind then just for today let it all go. Tomorrow you can take up your old habits just where you left them . But for today, instead of getting into an argument just let it go and walk away. If you replay something in your mind, let it go for today. If an old memory pops up today too, let it go instead of dwelling.
18. Go out. If you usually stay in during the weekdays, then call up a few friends and head down to the pub for a few hours even if it’s just a Wednesday. Or call up someone you haven’t met in ages and go for a cup of tea or coffee. Or pop down to the movie theater and catch a movie. If you usually do those things though, consider just staying in with PJs on and taking it easy.
19. Sit in a new place. If you have favorite chair or part of the sofa where you always sit then try another chair or place to sit today. It can give you a new perspective at work or at home. And I have found that it can even give me some new and fresh thoughts and perspectives on life.
20. Throw out the things you haven’t used in 1 year. Go through one part of your home – a closet, a drawer in your desk or bedroom cabinet – and see what’s in there. Go through the items one by one and ask yourself: have I used this item in the past year? If not, give the item(s) away to charity or a friend or simply throw it out.

16:44:00 - By Vincent 0

Comfort zone challenge 9. Selfies with 3 random people

Comfort zone challenge 9. Selfies with 3 random people

14:20:00 - By Vincent 0

How to be yourself and stop adjusting to others

By Till H. Groß

 A couple of years ago I went back to my home town and visited family and friends from back in the days. The following happened:

“What’s up, bro? How’s everything going?”, my friend asked me who I haven’t seen for years. “I’m great. I’m doing a lot of public speaking right now and I make a ton of money with that.” I replied.

A few hours later another friend called me and wanted to hang out. He asked me the same question “How are you man? How’s life treating you?”. I replied “It’s going great. Doing lots of public speaking right now, that allows me to travel so much. It’s awesome.”

Later that night I was having dinner with my mom and since we haven’t really talked in quite a while she asked me as well “How are you? How is everything going?” And once again a different answer to the same question “I’m doing great. I did a lot of public speaking recently. I love it because I can help a lot of people.”

Can you see what I did here?

Well…I can see it now. However, it took me years to notice it. I tried to adjust each of my replies in such a way that it would match the values of the other person. I wouldn’t lie or make things up, but simply highlight the things I knew the other person cared about.

My friend who I grew up with is immensely impressed by people who make a lot of money, so I highlighted that part. My other friend loves travelling, so I focused on that. My mom cares about neither of these things but being a good person is something that’s important to her, so I told her that I’m helping a lot of people.

That’s something I would do on a regular basis. Instead of honestly saying why I care about the work that I do, I tried to live up to the standards of the other person. I simply reacted to my environment.

Now, this doesn’t have to be a problem at all. Doing this is a great way to easily build rapport with people and show them in a non-obvious way that you understand their world and what they care about. In the past this allowed me to easily make friends in the most diverse environments.

However trying to constantly live up to the values of others, even though it can be helpful in the short run, can have pretty severe long-term consequences. At best, you seem inauthentic or fake, promoting things you don’t care about or trying to emulate another person’s behavior, and at worst you will lose yourself in the expectations of others, hunting for validation.

To lose yourself sounds kinda esoteric, but that’s essentially what it is, you lose sight of what you really care about and you end up compromising what matters most to you in the attempt to fit in.

Here’s a cheesy example…

A while ago my wife made me watch Mean Girls. If you haven’t watched it, don’t bother. Even though I’m still mad at her for making me sit through the movie, it’s full of examples of people who compromise on their values to be accepted by others.

The main character, Cady, arrives at a new school. She’s lonely and hopes to fit in somewhere, going from lunch table to lunch table on her first day. So, when the A-list clique “The Plastics” offer her a chance to join the cool table she gladly accepts. However, everything goes downhill from there. In an attempt to fit in with her new “friends” she begins wearing makeup and pink clothes even though she dislikes it. She is really good at math. But in order to get with a guy she pretends to be stupid, gets failing grades and doesn’t join the math team. This escalates and not much later she doesn’t invite her real friends to a party and writes mean things about other people into the secret book of her clique.

After all the movie has an happy end. The different characters actually figure out who they want to be and instead of just trying to be “cool” they pursue what they care about. Cady wins a math contest, the leader of the “Plastics” joins the lacrosse team and the other “Plastics” also own their individual interests.

Obviously it’s a movie and the examples are kind of extreme, however I am sure that all of us have done things we usually wouldn’t do to or said yes to things we would usually say no to, just to be accepted by others.

Next to the examples at the beginning where I would focus on different benefits of my job, I remember being in high-school and I would go out of my way to hide the fact that I’m reading books in my spare time, because it was simply not cool.

That’s because during our teenage years our personalities are fickle and we cling on to whatever makes us look cool or grants acceptance or respect from the other kids. Compromising the things that we care about isn’t necessarily healthy, but completely normal during our teenage years.

However, an important part of growing up is to stop turning to others to figure out what we should do and instead listen to ourselves to figure out what kind of person we want to be. Often this is a mix of discovering internal preferences and simply making the decision that we want to be a certain type of person and then living up to that. Being able to distinguish between what we care about and what was forced on us by others is crucial to living a fulfilled and meaningful life.

Unfortunately not all of us go through this process and that’s when we end up being like a leaf in the wind trying to live up to the standards of whatever person we are dealing with. At least that’s what happened to me when I went back to my home town trying to appeal to each person’s taste, instead of clearly saying why I cared about my job.

In order to stop being a leaf in the wind, it’s important to define our own values. Values act as a compass in our lives and give us direction and meaning.

Russ Harris, a pioneer in the field of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, said

“values are our heart’s deepest desires for the way we want to interact with and relate to the world, other people, and ourselves.”

Of course during different contexts different values become a priority. For example in a career setting being “hard working” is important to me, however trying to live up to that value would be kinda weird when I’m at a party.

To define one’s values is obviously not always easy. It can even be really hard to let go of what your friends, your mom or your boss think is the right thing to do. However, this shouldn’t hold you back from thinking about it. Over time you’ll get better at listening to yourself and noticing what’s important to you. It’s a process that takes time, but every time you do it and reflect on it you’ll move closer to the core.

As soon as you formulate your own values you can constantly check in to see if your behavior is in tune with your values or if you are trying to impress someone or overly adjusting to the other person. So in the situations from the beginning where I talked to my childhood friends I could have asked myself “Am I saying this because I really care about this or because HE cares about it?” And it would become apparent that I’m just adjusting.

Therefore having figured out what your values are makes it a lot easier to be yourself, because now you actually know what it means to be yourself.

The most extreme case where it becomes apparent when somebody has no idea what their values actually are, are guys on a first date. Usually they try to adjust to whatever the other person cares about, but since they have no idea yet what the girls’ values are, they end up trying all different things to figure out what sticks. Or in Louis CK’s words

“A guy during a first date is just a mess. He has no actually personality. He is just a mish-mash of different kinds of dudes for a couple of seconds each. Just anything. No cohesive…Just like random notes cut out of a magazine…Just like a blind dick in space….Just thrusting in infinite directions. Hopefully to find pay dirt at some place.”

So to combat this “blind dick in space” phenomenon define for yourself what YOU care about.

On the deepest level we emulate other people’s values because we hope for their appreciation and acceptance. Ironically, when we stop adjusting and instead focus on living up to your own values, one side effect is that other will respect you more. You might not build immediate rapport with everybody, but people will sense that you are real and authentic, which usually draws people in.

And that’s exactly the experience I had over the past years. The more I started to unravel what it is that I care about and then communicate it, the more people began to lean in. So when someone asks me nowadays about my career I answer honestly and say “It’s going great. My work is very intellectually challenging and I can help a ton of people at the same time. I love that!”

And now….

It’s your turn.

If you sometimes suffer from the “blind dick in space” phenomenon and try to overly adjust to fit in, start independently defining your own values. As soon as you’ve done this, you can begin to catch yourself every time you are trying to adjust and then focus back on your values.

Defining your values is an ever-improving process and it takes some practice. The trick is to simply start somewhere and then move closer and closer to the core. You can kick things off by using this worksheet to define your values: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Values Worksheet

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16:25:00 - By Vincent 0