What you always wanted to know about body language

By GREG CALLAGHAN

What’s the best handshake in the business environment? 
One that builds rapport. If the person you’re meeting has quite a firm handshake, aim to match it; if it’s softer, reduce your grip.

firm handshake

This helps the other person feel you’re not trying to overpower them and shows them the relationship is equal. Be mindful of cultural variations, however. Even in Australia, country people tend to come in from a longer distance for a handshake than city people. 

What are the five worst body gestures that could sink your chances in a job interview? (1) Either not enough or too much eye contact. Always match the interviewer’s level of eye contact.

eye contact

(2) Slouching, especially with your legs pointed towards the exit door. This projects disengagement and indifference. (3) Fidgeting or touching things. Shows you’re either bored or nervous. (4) Crotch display

Crotch display

or the foot-on-leg position.

foot-on-leg

Both signal a competitive nature, which can be interpreted as a negative. (5) Hands behind your head or arms folded.

Hands behind your head

The first reads as superior; the second as defensive. Sit with your hands on your lap: it’s a more humble approach.  

How much of a person’s basic personality traits (for example, extrovert, introvert, anxiety-prone, laid-back etc) can you tell from their body language? 
You can’t judge a personality from just one piece of body language. However, it’s generally true that extroverts tend to touch others more, lean outwards, thrive on external attention, and move quickly. Introverts tend to touch themselves, lean inward and have slower action/reaction times. 

Studies show that men tend to project more powerful body language when they’re with other males. What strategies, then, should a woman take in a male-dominated work environment? 
Have your desk facing the door from a corner of your office. Use good eye contact. Don’t look down or away, which suggest shyness and/or submissiveness. Match a man’s handshake. Feel free to take up more room when you’re in a meeting – don’t appear small. Don’t use words or body language that appears overly deferential. Lean forward when listening; stand straight while speaking. Dress appropriately.

Tell us about the giveaways when men and women are “into” one another. 
There are obvious ones such as the face platter, in which a woman places her head on her hands.

her head on her hands

Proximity signals - placing a glass or handbag close to the male - also show a level of trust and acceptance. Her legs and feet will tend to point toward him. She may toss her head back and flick her hair

flick her hair

, or give a side glance with her head down and eyes up, Princess Diana style. She may try to fix something he is wearing – straightening his tie etc – or touch him a little more than is her custom. Rolling her hips when she’s walking away, or turning back and giving a smile over her shoulder are more obvious signs. The bloke? He’ll give longer-than-usual glances, lean forward, and may readjust his tie or shirt cuff. If he’s standing he’ll have his hands on his belt near the crutch to display maleness. 

Studies have shown that men tend to over-read sexual interest from women. She might flick her hair and smile but all she’s doing is being sociable rather than flirting. How can he be sure? 
Yes, playing with hair or flicking it back can also be a sign of nervousness in a woman. You need what we call the three Cs – clusters of signals (at least three or four positive signals), congruence (where her words match her body language) and context (the social environment you’re in at the time). Some men require at least three or four signals from a woman before it sinks in that she is interested…  

So women are better at reading body language than men. 
Yes, twice as good. Research from Harvard University suggests that when reading expressions and decoding situations, women were correct 87% of the time while men scored only 42%. Women are much better at reading emotion. This may be due to their having children: learning to read facial expressions and determine needs non-verbally.

A recent Dutch study found that waiters get much larger tips when they use the same words and speak in a similar tone to their customers. What can we learn from this? 

Using the customer’s language - and their level of vocabulary - helps to build rapport, which is why it’s a part of so much sales training today. If a customer uses simpler words than you, adjust your speech so you at least sound on their wavelength. Never try to change their words, however. If someone says to you, “This seems to be an issue”, don’t ask them, “What seems to be the problem?” What you’ve done is turn an “issue” into a “problem”. Tone - the way we use our voice, as opposed to what we say - is also important, and represents up to 38% of total communication. Mirroring is so successful because people prefer to speak to like-minded people.

We know that people without much of a conscience - sociopaths and hardened criminals - are the best liars. Who else are good liars? 
The hardest types to read are those who’ve been trained to communicate with body language – politicians, actors and businesspeople who are trained to project a certain persona or image. They can spend years learning to project body signals that don’t really reflect who they are inside. There’s a standard tactic to detect whether someone is lying, based on the “constructed” and “remembered” parts of the brain. I would ask someone what they did last week. Then I would ask them what they are doing next week and watch their eyes. They will access the remembered information with the first question; then they’ll access the constructed side with the second question. The third question would be the one in which I would seek the truth. The most basic telltale sign of lying is the so-called Pinocchio effect, where blood rushes to your nose and you touch it to counteract the effect. Covering your lips with your fingers and looking away can also betray dishonesty. 

A new study from Columbia and Harvard universities shows that certain male postures not only make people feel more commanding, but remarkably, can double their testosterone levels. 
The way we sit, stand or move changes the way we feel. The way we feel can affect our hormone levels. If you’re able to change your body language to match how you want the world to see you and you manage to stick with it, over time you will become the person you’re projecting - your internal world will reflect the outer. It has been shown over time that body language can even change the way we look, and our sexual attractiveness, whether it be a downward smile, or a more confident stride.

SOURCE

13:00:00 - By Vincent 0

This advice surely must be good. 900.000 views on the topic of starting a conversation with a stranger. Some good practical advice.

14:00:00 - By Vincent 0

A Pint Size Plan to Help Your Kids Study Public Speaking Skills

By Definis

The last thing anyone wants is to raise a child who suffers from glossophobia – the fear of public speaking. Today, as many as 75% of people have glossophobia, and studies show that many people fear public speaking more than death!

None of us want our children to contribute to these statistics. Rather, we want them to feel strong and comfortable whenever they are speaking and especially when they are speaking in front of a group. In case you doubt that children can be poised and confident in front of a group take a look at this famous video clip of Severn Suzuki who spoke at the United Nations Earth Summit when she was just twelve years old. 

In addition to her powerful message, which is still relevant today, did you hear the strength of her vocal delivery including her word choice, clear enunciation, strong inflection and pauses? Did you see the passion in her delivery?

While you may not want your children to be quite as assertive as Severn, you do want them to be confident and poised and to hold their own on issues that are meaningful and important to them. Children who feel comfortable speaking to groups tend to speak out more often, volunteer for leadership positions and meet challenges head on. In fact, developing public speaking skills is just as important as learning to read and write. That’s why “show and tell” is such a popular activity in the early grades. But there is more that we can do to help our children master this all important skill.

When teaching young children the fundamentals of public speaking there are two important areas you can work on every day: Vocal skills and body language.

Here are a few pint size tips I have used as an actress, teacher and parent. I am delighted to pass these on to you.

Vocal Skills

·         Read out loud to your child: Research tells us that there are many benefits to reading to your children. When it comes to public speaking, reading is a hidden resource. If you enunciate clearly, vary your pace from slow to fast and use expressive pitch and inflection you will heighten your child’s interest in the story and teach these important vocal skills by example.

·         Emphasize key words: When words in the story are colorful, descriptive and emotional, use added stress to make them sound dramatic. Change your volume (speak louder and stronger or softer and lighter) depending on the word and context. Vary your pace and alternate speaking fast and slow. Pauseoften and make those words come alive!

·         Have your child read to you: When children are old enough most love reading to their parents. When they do read to you encourage them to speak carefully and say each word clearly. Then, ask them to “play” with the words in the story and bring them to life. Ask your child such questions as, “How can you say this like Max would say it?” or “How can you sound happy, sad, excited or afraid?” Encourage your child to say a word the way it sounds (buzz, swish, cool) and to explore variations of expression for each word.

·         Add sound effects: Vroom, chug, boom, screech! Sound effects are a natural means of expression for many children. They love hearing and making sounds. And making many different kinds of sounds gives them an opportunity to practice creative expression and build confidence. So tune up your inner Thomas the Steam Engine or Roary the Racing Car and bring the story to life by using sound effects. Invite your child to play with sounds whenever they read out loud.

Teach Body Language

·         Take turns standing up and reading a page out loud: This is a wonderful activity to do with your children but it may be too stimulating to do right before bed. Start early in the evening so there is plenty of time to unwind. Select a favorite story and play “round robin” by taking turns and having each member of the family read a page of the story with dramatic energy and flair. Just this simple practice of standing in front of one or two people will give your child the experience of being in front of a group.

·         Play “public speaker”: Children love to role play. They play doctor, ballet dancer, truck driver and chef, so why not encourage them to play “public speaker”? Ask questions to help them learn how public speakers behave when they speak to a group. Encourage your child to stand up straight and not fidget or pull at their clothes or hold onto their hands or arms. Ask them to open their arms away from their body and use big gestures. And make sure youencourage them to smile.

·         Use everyday conversation to teach body language: Remind your child to make eye contact whenever they are speaking to someone. The dinner table is a great place to help them learn to do this. When they learn this skill at any early age they will not be uncomfortable using it as they grow.

Teaching public speaking skills to your children requires a great deal of commitment and consistency over time, but it doesn’t have to be a chore. You can teach the fundamentals in a seamless, playful and loving way…and have fun doing it. Before you know it, your children will grow up to be confident and competent young adults capable of standing in front of any group… even at the United Nations.

SOURCE

12:00:00 - By Vincent 0

A 7-Step Program for Managing Your Social Anxiety

by YUMI SAKUGAWA

Do you experience a pang of envy when you scroll through your Facebook news feed, Instagram home, or Twitter timeline and see all your friends doing super-awesome things that you weren't a part of? If you are like most people, then the answer is probably yes.

This particular strain of social media envy is now commonly referred to as FOMO, which stands for "Fear Of Missing Out." It can come in the form of feeling jealous over friends' vacation photos, the self-inflicted pressure to check out a hip restaurant that everyone else is talking about, or simply experiencing the general paranoia that everybody else online is having more fun without you.

Common as it is, FOMO can be managed and cured with gratitude, mindful breathing exercises, and most importantly, cutting back on your online browsing time. The end result could even eventually turn your FOMO into JOMO, i.e. "Joy of Missing Out."

SOURCE

13:00:00 - By Vincent 0

How to Express Anger in a Healthy Way

By Lisa B. Marshall

Do you struggle with understanding or managing anger? Do you wonder how to communicate when you’re feeling angry?

A listener recently asked me to address implosive anger, also called repressed anger. There’s a funny movie that addresses this subject. It’s called Anger Management, with Jack Nicholson as a psychiatrist trying to help Adam Sandler's character realize he has a problem. He says to Adam,

“There are two kinds of angry people: explosive and implosive. Explosive is the kind of individual that you see screaming at the cashier for not taking their coupons. Implosive is the cashier, who remains quiet day after day, and finally shoots everyone in the store. You’re the cashier.”  (Hearing Jack Nicholson say those words is both funny and scary at the same time!)

Signs of Implosive Anger

Sometimes people who appear mild-mannered really are as calm as they seem and don’t get upset easily. But some people are actually getting upset, they just aren’t letting it show. The first sign of implosive anger is denial. 

Going back to the movie, after the doctor tells Adam he’s the cashier, Adam replies, “No, no, no. I’m the guy hiding in the frozen food section dialing 911. I swear.” Denial. These are the people who say, “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.” Or “I’m not angry, I’m just upset.” They can’t admit to themselves they’re feeling anger.

However, though they won’t admit something made them angry, they will withdraw from the person or situation, and then brood about the incident. “How rude he was! I can’t believe he said that to me. And in front of everyone! He humiliated me.” The angry person replays the event over and over. Maybe you’ve felt that way from time to time—I know I have. But when people have an anger problem, withdrawing and brooding go to an extreme.

Effects of Anger

According to an article in Psychology Today, anger is triggered by some sense of having been disempowered. Thus the purpose of anger is to eliminate a feeling of powerlessness. So anger wants to attack. Expressed anger attacks the other person in some way. But who does suppressed anger attack? It attacks you.

It’s well-known that negative stress causes a variety of illnesses. In fact, a study by UC Berkeley recently found that repressing anger leads to back pain and stiff muscles.

So, let it out, right? Well, maybe not. According to the same study, venting causes heart disease. What about a physical vent? Maybe punch something to get it out, or take a jog? Apparently, that doesn’t help, either. A study entitled Does Venting Anger Feed or Extinguish the Flame? indicated that because exercise keeps the heart rate and blood pressure elevated and doesn’t distract the angry person from thinking about it, the person’s anger remains high, and perhaps even higher.

So, what’s an angry person to do, then?

Managing Your Anger in a Healthy Way

Emotions help us manage our experiences. And since we sometimes have negative experiences, negative emotions serve a purpose in our lives and should not be denied or suppressed. But they need to be managed and communicated in a healthy way.

The first approach is to calm down. My advice about how to calm down before speaking in public is very useful here. In my episode, 5 Ways to Speak Up without Freaking Out, my guest and I discuss recognizing your feelings as normal, then learning to calm them through visualization and deep breathing.

The next method is to change the way you look at the situation. It’s often helpful to consider the other person’s perspective, or try to think of it as if you were a “fly on the wall”. How would a casual observer evaluate the situation? What if both sides gave their perspectives? My episode How to Handle Rude Questions discusses this a bit. Additionally, doing things incompatible with anger can make a huge difference. How can you be angry while watching a comedy or playing with kittens?

Communicating Effectively

If you’ve calmed down enough to look at the situation somewhat objectively, and you find you have a legitimate reason to be angry, it’s important to communicate it in a way that will improve and resolve the situation and your feelings, not perpetuate them.

I have discussed many times on this show the value of diplomatic speaking. In a nutshell, you need to think about what you will say, choose words carefully, and listen with an open mind. The following podcasts go into this in detail.

How to Have a Difficult Conversation

How to Handle Criticism

6 Constructive Ways to Give Negative Feedback

How to be More Diplomatic

You should also consider other people’s communication styles. You might be a quiet type, but someone else might be more dynamic or to-the-point. Neither communication style is bad, but the difference almost guarantees misunderstandings. Some of my best podcasts on this subject are:

How to Deal with People More Effectively

How to Deal with Difficult People

Communicate Better with Different Types of People

Does Your Communication Style Hold You Back?

Finally, remember that sometimes life is hard. Sometimes you just have to Choose to Be Happy. If you or someone you love continues to have issues with anger or sadness, please talk to a professional. But usually, putting into practice the suggestions in this podcast will help you balance anger so that it’s a rare occurrence.

SOURCE

13:00:00 - By Vincent 0

My Blackberry Is Not Working! - Apple vs windows. A must see! Brilliant

Absolutley brilliant. almost 25 million views. I understand why. 

British humor at it's best. What do you think?

15:04:00 - By Vincent 0