A 7-Step Program for Managing Your Social Anxiety

by YUMI SAKUGAWA

Do you experience a pang of envy when you scroll through your Facebook news feed, Instagram home, or Twitter timeline and see all your friends doing super-awesome things that you weren't a part of? If you are like most people, then the answer is probably yes.

This particular strain of social media envy is now commonly referred to as FOMO, which stands for "Fear Of Missing Out." It can come in the form of feeling jealous over friends' vacation photos, the self-inflicted pressure to check out a hip restaurant that everyone else is talking about, or simply experiencing the general paranoia that everybody else online is having more fun without you.

Common as it is, FOMO can be managed and cured with gratitude, mindful breathing exercises, and most importantly, cutting back on your online browsing time. The end result could even eventually turn your FOMO into JOMO, i.e. "Joy of Missing Out."

SOURCE

13:00:00 - By Vincent 0

But Procrastination Feels So Right...

By Kathariya Mokrue, PhD 

We’ve all been there: opening up a new document file with every intention of writing our essays, papers, or any assignment. A word or a sentence is formed, then something else catches our attention. Maybe it’s an email, a text, or a habit to check the latest news online. Before we know it, an hour has flown by and it’s time to have lunch. We may find ourselves repeating a similar dance for days until a deadline creeps closer and the consequences of not completing an assignment lead to anxiety and feeling stressed, pushing us to pull an all-nighter. Once completed, we feel a sense of relief of having closely averted a negative consequence, and we vow not to procrastinate in the future. Somehow as we reflect back, we can’t pinpoint where the time has gone and why a seemingly doable task wasn’t so doable after all.

The Anxiety Connection

Procrastination, when we put off doing something we are supposed to, is a form of avoidance. Like other forms of avoidance, procrastination can feel right or justified. Unlike social anxiety, phobias, and other forms of avoidance, however, it can be difficult to pinpoint when it is happening. We naturally gravitate toward doing things that feel more pleasant or neutral. So, if opening up that file and staring at it cause you to feel even a slight discomfort, you are likely to find other things to do or be distracted by. We clean up our workspace, answer emails, read the newspaper, text a friend, or work on less emotionally low-priority taxing tasks instead of doing what we planned on doing.

If left unchecked, procrastination can become an incapacitating habit, fueled by anxiety, which in turn can fuel more procrastination. A vicious cycle ensues. Hence, it is no wonder that many people who suffer from anxiety disorders also struggle with procrastination.

One way to tackle the problem of procrastination before it gets out of hand is to be more mindful of our feelings and behaviors, however subtle or innocuous they may seem. Here are a couple of suggestions to combat procrastination.

1. Set reasonable, achievable goals. This requires an honest review of your past behaviors and patterns. If you’ve never been able to write five pages in one sitting, then that’s probably not an appropriate goal for you. Try two pages and designate the time to complete it. Similarly, it can help to break down projects like papers into outlines, paragraphs, sections. Working on a project is more daunting than working on an outline. Estimate how long it will take you to complete each task. Now double the amount of time. This will ensure that you do not underestimate how long each goal will take. Once you complete the task, you are more likely to feel good and this positive feeling will motivate you to continue.

2. Keep a prioritized to-do list and a schedule. Write down specific tasks and organize them by priority. Also, schedule when you plan on tackling specific tasks. This way, you won’t forget to deal with less pleasant high-priority tasks by keeping yourself busy with low-priority tasks. If you find yourself repeatedly not tackling these tasks or running out of time, you’ll be able to revise your goal settings and scheduling.

3. Eliminate distractions. Were there times when you felt you tackled an assignment well? Identify factors that helped and hindered your work. Do you work better in a quiet place? At home? In the morning? Afternoon? Perhaps it would help to disable the Internet on your computer or tablet, or turn off your cellphone so you are not reading the news or answering emails instead of working. It can also be a good idea to let others know that you do not want to be disturbed during this period.

4. Review tasks accomplished and reward yourself. Take stock each day of what you are able to accomplish and document this. If you are able to meet your goals, reward yourself with a small treat or a kind word. This will help generate more positive feelings associated with the task.

Don’t underestimate the effort it takes to break the habit of procrastination. If it were easy, it wouldn’t be one of the popular items on a New Year’s resolution. As I mentioned in my previous post, by embracing challenges and reducing avoidance (of which procrastination is a form), we improve our self-efficacy, feel more content and capable, and feel less anxious. Visit the Anxiety and Depression Association of America at www.adaa.org to find a mental health professional to help you with anxiety, procrastination, and related avoidance challenges.

SOURCE

13:00:00 - By Vincent 0

How to Express Anger in a Healthy Way

By Lisa B. Marshall

Do you struggle with understanding or managing anger? Do you wonder how to communicate when you’re feeling angry?

A listener recently asked me to address implosive anger, also called repressed anger. There’s a funny movie that addresses this subject. It’s called Anger Management, with Jack Nicholson as a psychiatrist trying to help Adam Sandler's character realize he has a problem. He says to Adam,

“There are two kinds of angry people: explosive and implosive. Explosive is the kind of individual that you see screaming at the cashier for not taking their coupons. Implosive is the cashier, who remains quiet day after day, and finally shoots everyone in the store. You’re the cashier.”  (Hearing Jack Nicholson say those words is both funny and scary at the same time!)

Signs of Implosive Anger

Sometimes people who appear mild-mannered really are as calm as they seem and don’t get upset easily. But some people are actually getting upset, they just aren’t letting it show. The first sign of implosive anger is denial. 

Going back to the movie, after the doctor tells Adam he’s the cashier, Adam replies, “No, no, no. I’m the guy hiding in the frozen food section dialing 911. I swear.” Denial. These are the people who say, “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.” Or “I’m not angry, I’m just upset.” They can’t admit to themselves they’re feeling anger.

However, though they won’t admit something made them angry, they will withdraw from the person or situation, and then brood about the incident. “How rude he was! I can’t believe he said that to me. And in front of everyone! He humiliated me.” The angry person replays the event over and over. Maybe you’ve felt that way from time to time—I know I have. But when people have an anger problem, withdrawing and brooding go to an extreme.

Effects of Anger

According to an article in Psychology Today, anger is triggered by some sense of having been disempowered. Thus the purpose of anger is to eliminate a feeling of powerlessness. So anger wants to attack. Expressed anger attacks the other person in some way. But who does suppressed anger attack? It attacks you.

It’s well-known that negative stress causes a variety of illnesses. In fact, a study by UC Berkeley recently found that repressing anger leads to back pain and stiff muscles.

So, let it out, right? Well, maybe not. According to the same study, venting causes heart disease. What about a physical vent? Maybe punch something to get it out, or take a jog? Apparently, that doesn’t help, either. A study entitled Does Venting Anger Feed or Extinguish the Flame? indicated that because exercise keeps the heart rate and blood pressure elevated and doesn’t distract the angry person from thinking about it, the person’s anger remains high, and perhaps even higher.

So, what’s an angry person to do, then?

Managing Your Anger in a Healthy Way

Emotions help us manage our experiences. And since we sometimes have negative experiences, negative emotions serve a purpose in our lives and should not be denied or suppressed. But they need to be managed and communicated in a healthy way.

The first approach is to calm down. My advice about how to calm down before speaking in public is very useful here. In my episode, 5 Ways to Speak Up without Freaking Out, my guest and I discuss recognizing your feelings as normal, then learning to calm them through visualization and deep breathing.

The next method is to change the way you look at the situation. It’s often helpful to consider the other person’s perspective, or try to think of it as if you were a “fly on the wall”. How would a casual observer evaluate the situation? What if both sides gave their perspectives? My episode How to Handle Rude Questions discusses this a bit. Additionally, doing things incompatible with anger can make a huge difference. How can you be angry while watching a comedy or playing with kittens?

Communicating Effectively

If you’ve calmed down enough to look at the situation somewhat objectively, and you find you have a legitimate reason to be angry, it’s important to communicate it in a way that will improve and resolve the situation and your feelings, not perpetuate them.

I have discussed many times on this show the value of diplomatic speaking. In a nutshell, you need to think about what you will say, choose words carefully, and listen with an open mind. The following podcasts go into this in detail.

How to Have a Difficult Conversation

How to Handle Criticism

6 Constructive Ways to Give Negative Feedback

How to be More Diplomatic

You should also consider other people’s communication styles. You might be a quiet type, but someone else might be more dynamic or to-the-point. Neither communication style is bad, but the difference almost guarantees misunderstandings. Some of my best podcasts on this subject are:

How to Deal with People More Effectively

How to Deal with Difficult People

Communicate Better with Different Types of People

Does Your Communication Style Hold You Back?

Finally, remember that sometimes life is hard. Sometimes you just have to Choose to Be Happy. If you or someone you love continues to have issues with anger or sadness, please talk to a professional. But usually, putting into practice the suggestions in this podcast will help you balance anger so that it’s a rare occurrence.

SOURCE

13:00:00 - By Vincent 0

Why do we fear change? How to Break Out of your comfort zone!!

Why do we fear change? This video nails the answer!!! If you are ready to step out of your comfort zone to discover where life really gets exciting & fun then subscribe to my page now. I am all about helping people breakout of the grind of merely surviving and into an awesome life of Thriving!! 

13:58:00 - By Vincent 0

A Guide to Saying I Love You for the First Time

By KIMBERLY MENEO

Contrary to the deep belief in university “hookup culture,” college is the time when many students enter into serious, long-term relationships. With new relationships that start to get serious, there is always that one thing that results in many questions – the “L- word.” You question yourself – When is the right time to say it? And you question your boyfriend/girlfriend – What if they don’t say it back? It is stressful, but there are simple things to keep in mind to make saying i love you seem less scary.

Don’t rush it.

Perhaps the most common oversight new couples face is mistaking love with lust. “I love you” is a statement that holds a lot of meaning and promise, so don’t make the mistake of saying it too soon. Doing so could cause your partner to doubt the sincerity of your love. Waiting to say ‘I love you’ is never a bad thing– it shows you have the maturity to really contemplate how you are feeling and what you are promising to your significant other when you say it.

Put actions before words.

Anyone can say they love someone, but love is shown better than it is told. Think about the way you treat that person, and how you act around them. This can be a true test to see how you’re really feeling. Are you happier around them? Do you want to do all that you can to make them happier? As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. Pay more attention to actions, rather than words. If they say it first, you might be able to tell if it’s sincere by the way they treat you.

Be yourself.

When you tell someone you love them, you are opening yourself up to that person. Do not use alcohol or any other type of drug to help you speak your mind. (This also goes for sexually charged situations and unusually emotional circumstances.) Doing so will only send a bad message. In a successful relationship, both partners should be able to talk about their feelings openly and confidently. Saying ‘I love you’ for the first time sets a precedent for how you will handle your emotions and trials later in the relationship.

Being afraid to say it is normal.

Many times, people wait for their boyfriend or girlfriend to say the words first. Even though you’re totally sure how you feel, you’re not as sure about how your bae feels. It means more when they say it because you know they feel the same way you do, so you wait. You find yourself whispering to yourself when you and your partner are having a moment – “say it, say it, say it” – but they don’t. Even though you want to shout it from the rooftops, you still wait for them to say it first because you don’t know what the reaction will be. Will they say it back? What if they’re freaked out? But, what if they do say it back? You’ll never know until you build the courage.

Being afraid to say it is normal.

Many times, people wait for their boyfriend or girlfriend to say the words first. Even though you’re totally sure how you feel, you’re not as sure about how your bae feels. It means more when they say it because you know they feel the same way you do, so you wait. You find yourself whispering to yourself when you and your partner are having a moment – “say it, say it, say it” – but they don’t. Even though you want to shout it from the rooftops, you still wait for them to say it first because you don’t know what the reaction will be. Will they say it back? What if they’re freaked out? But, what if they do say it back? You’ll never know until you build the courage.

What if they don’t say it back?

One of the biggest fears people face is the worry that their partner won’t say ‘I love you’ back.  If they don’t say it back, it’s super awkward, but no matter what happens after the fact, you know that you were honest with them, and more importantly with yourself. On the off chance they don’t feel the same way, perhaps the relationship wasn’t meant to be. If they can’t imagine loving you in the future, they clearly were not the right match for you. However, some people just need more time to sort through their feelings to understand where they are in a relationship, and that’s okay (See Tip 1). Telling someone you love them is one of the highest forms of compliment, and no one should ever belittle you for being honest about how you feel.  How they react is a telling tale of the kind of person they are when things turn serious.

Although saying ‘I love you’ for the first time can certainly feel like free falling, taking the time to understand how and why you truly feel the way you do can make those three words much easier to say out loud. However, no matter how much preparation you do, it is likely that when in the right relationship, speaking your mind to your partner will come easily, and the moment will just feel right – much like the moment when you first kissed. Cue the butterflies.

SOURCE

14:09:00 - By Vincent 0