You are an Ace: stress

BY MARK SISSON

Research published last year revealed that one-quarter of American workers feel it’s increasingly harder to maintain a work-life balance. Among global respondents, that number rose to one-third. According to the survey, parents are among those who struggle the most. Among the difficulties cited by participants, “finding time for me,” “getting enough sleep,” and “managing personal and professional life” were the most commonly mentioned challenges. Even those who manage to leave on time from work may then face an increasing overlap between work and home life, with another survey finding that 20% of participants worked more than 20 hours from home in addition to regular office hours. For all our social and technological advancements, it seems we’re increasingly stuck in an unfortunate cul-de-sac of our own making. Shouldn’t we be beyond this by now? How is it that we can’t seem to innovate, design, reason or hack our way into a better collective work-life balance?

There are, of course, legitimate and wise ways to combine tasks and increase productivity—issues I’ve written about before. Biking to work to make your commute time work for you (and free up time after work for family) or working from home to wholly eliminate a commute most days can be a smart option for some people, but not all of us have that choice immediately available to us. Staggering schedules with a partner to cover childcare or working flex hours to optimize efficiency can be helpful at times, but they’re not a panacea and can impose their own stresses. Making matters even more complicated, both time and energy figure into this picture and each impose their own inevitable limitations. We might cram our work into shorter days but then find we’re exhausted when we get home to enjoy our extra time.

Truth be told, there’s only so much that reorganizing hours while maintaining the same expectations for output. At some point, it’s just a shell game that lets us feel like we’re taking action but results in little benefit. Likewise, we eventually hit diminishing returns in doubling up activities. Walking at a treadmill desk in the office or reading a great novel on the train, fitting in a workout and a quick lunch during the noon hour are all smart choices. But beyond these, the options can start to wade into the less advantageous swamps of multitasking pretty quickly, at which point we’re missing the key point anyway.

What we want from life balance can in most cases be boiled down to ease and fulfillment. I say ease in the sense that we’re not frantically rushing from task to task, juggling goals and projects, making the whole endeavor a miserable slog of checklists rather than a chance for enjoyment. Ease is slow, experimental, meandering, organic. Fulfillment isn’t a quantifiable or predictable recipe, but a varying, personal experience rooted in too many factors to name.

We want life balance in the sense that we want a chance to naturally, unhurriedly experience all the good of life: family connection, socialization, exercise, hobbies, leisure, creativity, rest, self-care and career. Is it really such a tall order? Well, yes and no.

Just where did the myth come from—this belief that we can have it all at the same time? You know, the idea that we should be able to simultaneously balance all the minutiae of our daily lives, our ongoing dreams, and some healthy self-development goals against the immaculate backdrop of a perfect home, great career and impressive social life.

Compared to the days of manual agrarian labor and the early industrial revolution, we have more time on our hands, right? Why shouldn’t we be able to make it all work and live the utopian dream already?

These are the times when a Primal lens can offer needed perspective. Wasn’t Grok, after all, the initial example of natural work-life balance? Can’t he be our emblem for seeking the perfect symmetry of effort and leisure? I’m sorry to burst the bubble, but most definitely, no.

Let’s look at the reality. The average workday for hunter-gatherers was by most estimates in the 3-5 hour range, and this included food acquisition. Unless they experienced food scarcity or moved camps for seasonal migrations, the rest of the time was leisure. In contrast to most assumption, it was a lifestyle not all were interested in giving up for the toils and hours of agrarian life when given a choice.

The universal and timeless fact is, there’s an opportunity cost when we choose to focus on one facet of life in comparison (or exclusion) of another. We can enjoy more leisure as Grok did (with all the opportunity for rest, socialization and self-development that could go with it), but we can’t pretend to have his life and still maintain all the professional ambitions and material affluence of our own. Hunter-gatherers understood the price and the benefits of their choice, and we need to appreciate the same about ours.

You could say that in some ways our capacity to envision and desire so many interests in life is both a blessing and a curse. We have the ability to simultaneously pursue many priorities but not in equal measure or with equal results. And in the midst of that frustration and disappointment, there’s the entry point.

We all grow up with grand visions of infinite achievements. Yet we also all hit a point when we realize we indeed won’t learn 7 languages, make a billion dollars, have the perfect marriage and 3.5 wonderful children, become leader of the free world, pitch for a professional baseball team, enjoy peace by a quiet lake every night and still have time to run that specialty bookstore and tackles shop on the side. We grow up, absorb the mathematical possibilities of a general life expectancy, and learn the unappealing lessons of compromise. Eventually, we come to some degree of peace around this. And, what then, is so different about fully acknowledging the constraints of a 24-hour day?

Even as we trim back our lofty ambitions, we do well to continue the exercise with more editing zeal. What is it that we really want from life? How do we want to allocate that proverbial pie chart of time for optimum and genuine life satisfaction? And what are we willing to forgo or limit to get it? Do we have the guts to throw out the notion that we have to be (and are even capable of being) stellar at work, family life, social life, health and self-enrichment concurrently?

Where one true commitment advances, one or more lesser interest retreats, and it’s fine—if we accept it as such. Doing so not only will help us move into a life that is more fulfilling by our personal definition, but it also lets us finally drop the fraught, exhausting balancing act of maintaining more than we can reasonably handle, let alone find joy in.

If you’re honest with yourself, could you be happy with a minimalist material lifestyle in order to devote more time and energy to family or creative pursuits? On the other hand, maybe you’ve never really envisioned having a family and don’t desire a large social circle, but you feel deeply called to fulfill a professional mission that holds great personal meaning for you. Or maybe you’ve just always prioritized career and financial success. There’s no judgment in the question, but there is necessity to it. If we accept that the picture can’t be balanced, what do we as individuals want the picture to look like?

And I think it’s important to mention also (and this is something easier to see the longer one’s been around) that there are natural seasons to life when certain lessons, realizations or priorities tend to rise to the surface. At times we go through “chop wood, carry water” stages that are short on adventure and long on labor. Grok knew this, too.

What we feel mired in one decade becomes less of a focus the next. Our circumstances change, and so do we. It’s not necessarily something we can predict, but we can bring awareness and thought to the process. Time and perspective for reflecting on our lives obviously plays a role, too. It’s in these transitions from phase to phase that windows of opportunity can open if we’re committed to making it so. I’ve known people who have gone on to entirely transform their lives in later decades, beginning amazing second acts that no one saw coming. Having the health and vitality from Primal living most certainly helps open up possibilities.

So, what if you feel like you’re in the thick of life and unable to make any dramatic changes, or you’re unsure how you’d reallocate your life given the choice? Understand that there are no absolutes. Get curious about what you want. Be experimental. What feeds you? What do you want to make sure you do every day? Maybe you juggle parenthood and a full-time job along with various and sundry other household and life duties but still manage to spend 20 minutes in your workshop doing whatever creative hobby matters to you. Or maybe it’s that you make sure you get an hour in the woods each day. Or something else.

Surrender the assumption of balance as equality, the sides of a scale always matching up. Let it be more about how you feel at the end of the day. If you can make a commitment to offering yourself quality time—for you—and truly devote it to something every day (or nearly so) that fulfills you well beyond all the passive entertainments, technological compulsion and multitasking (madness) we get caught up in, there’s your opportunity. In fact, apply the Grok model of simplicity, single-mindedness, and flow to that one thing you do for yourself. See what happens over time.

Alternatively, venture to ask the bigger, bolder question of how you want to show up as a parent/partner/artisan/hobbyist/activist/friend/humanist/etc. today. We can ask the bigger question of how we want to show up as “X” each day. This question moves the focus from accomplishment to presence. We don’t necessarily need to “do” anything big or special in any of those roles, but we might bring a deeper mindfulness to them and experience ourselves as more fulfilled as a result.

Because ultimately, a satisfying balance won’t come with parsing out hours and minutes. It comes from staying in touch with what you consider the most essential parts of yourself—who you love, what fascinates you, how you want to contribute to the world, what you want to experience most in this life. Add these to the most fundamental, Primal of questions.

Thanks for reading, everyone. I’d love to read your take on creating a Primally balanced life as you see it. Share your thoughts, and have a great wrap-up to the week.

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11:38:00 - By Vincent 0

By Harleena Singh

Anger is not bad, but it’s the way we deal with it that really matters. While we all know how to get angry, we should also know how to deal with anger to avoid troubles in life.

One of the earlier posts on this blog tells you about the reasons why you get angry, while there’s another one with an interesting story on what harm can anger do to you and your life.

Now, even after being aware of all these facts, most of you still get angry – don’t you?

Well, don’t worry, because as I stated earlier, getting angry is not that much of a problem if you know the right ways to deal with it.

It happens with everybody, including myself – that sometimes you just can’t help but get angry. And that’s okay, though it’s better if you can avoid doing so or get angry within limits.

However, something that you should certainly do is to help yourself on learning how to control your anger.

Anger is an emotion, and as with any other emotion, it’s alright to go through it in constructive ways.

Whenever you feel the anger, know that you can release or deal with it in various positive ways.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~ Gautama Buddha

Tips on How to Deal with Anger

There are many tips and techniques for controlling anger. Nevertheless, here are some of the ways that I use to control anger and find them quite effective.

Basically, you need to try and achieve these objectives whenever you get angry:

Gain time so that you don’t react instantly
Control the thoughts in your mind and changes in your body due to anger
Release your anger in ways that are not harmful

Do you also use any of these anger management techniques? If not, then probably you can learn and practice them in your life.

“The greatest remedy for anger is delay.” ~ Thomas Paine

1. Remove Yourself

Pull yourself away from the person or situation that angers you.

If someone or something makes you angry – you need to try to remove yourself temporarily from that situation or go away from that person.

If not that, then try ways so that the other person goes away and you can have time to deal with your anger.

Yes, take a timeout because that will reduce the chances of you giving back an instant reaction, which is often uncontrolled, unreasonable, and hurtful.

It’s not running away – but being wise, because it’s unlikely that you’ll deal with the person or situation in the best manner when you’re angry.

You can even sleep and later talk about what angered you when you wake up with a refreshed mind.

Anger Management Tip: Take a walk in the garden or listen to soothing music to distract your attention. By doing this or picking up any hobby you like, you can shift the focus on other things to let the “anger triggering” situation pass by.

“When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred.” ~ Thomas Jefferson

2. Breathe Fully

It’s not always possible for you to physically get away from the person or situation that angers you. In such a case, you can exercise controlled and deep breathing.

The trick is not to get involved in the anger trigger moment, and just breathe deep. It helps – try it out!

Your breathing fastens with the rise in your blood pressure as you get angry, and one way of dealing with anger is to control your breathing.

Practice diaphragmatic breathing or belly breathing to inhale and exhale air using the diaphragm and abdomen so that you breathe fully and slowly.

This helps you maintain your cool and your blood pressure, besides reducing stress and increasing stamina.

Another trick is to slowly count up to 10 and synchronize your breathing with it, and keep doing so until you feel that your breathing is normal or stabilized.

Anger Management Tip: Breathe consciously by paying attention on each aspect of breathing, right from the time you inhale to exhale. This practice is a part of mindful meditation, which helps to control your mind and not let it get involved in the commotion.

“A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” ~ Bible

3. Exercise Physically

When you’re angry, you’re full of negative energy. If you cannot control and eliminate this feeling with understanding, you need to release it in a healthy way that doesn’t harm others.

One of the easiest ways to deal with anger is to engage yourself in physical activities. These include sweating out activities like walking, skipping, jogging, running, swimming, playing some sport, and even gyming!

Exercising reduces your stress hormones and pumps the feel good Neuro-chemicals in your brain, which calms you down and elevates your mood.

Aerobic exercises and yoga can also help you lessen your anger and stress levels.

Anger is related to stress and anxiety, so you can use stress balls or a boxing bag to punch out your negative emotions if you feel that your anger is on the verge of eruption.

Anger Management Tip: If you can’t exercise, then try progressive muscle relaxation while sitting or standing by contracting and relaxing the muscles of the body from neck to toes. This helps reduce the stress in the body, and ultimately lessens your anger.

“When anger rises, think of the consequences.” ~ Confucius

4. Think Rationally

You should think of the consequences when you get angry. What would be the end-result of your act of anger? Is it really worth the damage it will cause?

You can’t always act on the spur of the moment.

You’ve to be responsible and think about how or what you say or do, as that will affect you or the other person. Things like health, relationships, business, career and family need to be considered.

Try to be logical and analyze the root cause of the problem that led to the anger instead of flowing away in the stream of negative emotions.

Accept your angry feelings and adapt, adjust, compromise, negotiate, and talk about the trigger situations and its causes.

Resolve the problem amicably and intelligently, and let your head overrule your heart while dealing with anger.

Anger Management Tip: Use “I” statements in place of “You”, which place the blame on the person at the receiving end. Be calm and express your anger in decent words. Use non-confrontational language to clarify the facts with an intention to solve the problem.

“Whenever anger comes up, take out a mirror and look at yourself. When you are angry, you are not very beautiful.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

5. Express Creatively

You can release your negative feeling through many creative ways.

You could deal with anger by writing or express your feelings – either on paper, or if you have a blog, even through blogging.

Maintaining a daily journal is a healthy way of keeping anger and stress at bay, and not letting them affect you.

You could even use dance and music as a form of catharsis. You can diffuse and make the situation lighter by using your sense of humor, but never use sarcasm as it can make matters worse.

Talk about your feelings of anger with your best friend or family member. Getting to know different perspective might help change your mind and mood.

If you feel like your anger is about to erupt, then take a newspaper and tear it into pieces, or if you’re alone – just scream and let off the steam! You’ll feel light and easy.

Anger Management Tip: Practice visualization from wherever you are by closing your eyes and imagining yourself in a place where you feel happy and peaceful. Force a smile on your face and you’ll feel calm and relaxed.

“For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Woman smiling and trying to deal with anger as other gets angry

Keep your cool to confront anger

Remember that nothing good comes out of anger, and it only makes things worse.

Always be assertive and look out for possible solutions instead of being aggressive and finding reasons for confrontation.

But if you’re angry, then don’t drink it down – don’t suppress it forcibly because there might be chances of it erupting later like a volcano.

The best way to eliminate and deal with anger is to apologize, forgive and let go, and engage yourself in positive self-talk.

Don’t hold any grudges, instead try to be understanding. You should try to emphasize by getting into the other person’s mind and understand their perspective to assess the reasons for the anger.

Once the tension in the environment has calmed down, then sit and talk out matters. Always think before you speak because words once spoken cannot be taken back.

But remember to not talk about your anger when you’re rushed, tired, or before your sleep time.

However, if you fail to control your anger using all the tricks in the bag, then you should see a mental health professional or a therapist for more guidelines.

Don’t suffer from anger. Instead, be smart and learn how to deal with it in the right way.

Here’s a short video that will show you how to control your anger in your daily life.

How to Control Your Anger ~ Howcast ~ YouTube Video

Did you notice that “Anger” is just one alphabet short of “Danger” (D-anger)? So, I hope now that you know how to control your anger, you’ll keep yourself out of danger.